Ugly embarrassing confession: I really want someone to save me. I want someone to swoop in and tell me what to do. I want someone to knock on my door and offer to redo all my landscaping and fix the roof. I want someone to call me up just because they felt in their heart I needed them.
I want to be that Disney princess that has someone sweep them off their feet just to make them feel loved and special.
Except I don't really. Do I?
I want to make my own decisions. But I want those decisions to be right.
I want to run my own business. But I want it to be easy and aligned and successful - without working 24/7.
I want to have a healthy sexy body. But I don't really want to workout. Or do squats. Or sweat.
I want a clean beautiful house. But I don't want to vacuum, Or dust. Or do laundry.
I want what I want. But I don't want to work for it. But I want it.
This is one of the things I hate most about myself. Or maybe it is a fear, a story. That I am lazy. That I feel entitled. That I play victim to get what I want and use that victim-ness as an excuse for not having what I say I want.
Last Saturday, I had a rough morning. Thoughts of "going home" raced through my mind.
Going home is my way of saying suicide - although I don't believe I would ever hurt myself. It is more like begging God to let me go home. To take me away from all of this. It is the place I go when the loneliness and disconnection become too much to handle.
I kept praying for that lightning bolt of inspiration, the flash that changes everything. That, in an instant, I would be shaken so hard that my very core would be altered.
I was praying that I would finally become that person who gets shit done. Who wakes up at 4 am to wash clothes, meditates for 45 minutes, fix a week's worth of healthy meals, save seal pups, discover a new planet, and still have time to workout and make my own green juice.
I mistakenly believed that change happens in a single moment.
Like when someone hears the voice of God or gets a clear sign from above and their life is never the same. They recount their story with such declaration - as if they never had a single thought of doubt.
Like they rescued themselves and never looked back. Easy peasy.
That's what I've been looking for. The moment. That changes. Everything.
It isn't going to happen.
That's not how this works.
Change happens in thousands of thoughts. Thousands of moments. Thousands of decisions.
It is a constant commitment to what you want.
After my breakdown came a breakthrough (as is almost always the case - you have to go through it to get to it).
I decided to all go in on my life.
All of my life.
It is a stunning realization that
1. Nobody is coming to save me.
2. I have the power to save myself.
3. That is the only way it could ever be.
I will save myself. Everyday. With every action. And every thought.
I am my own hero.
You are your own hero.
And if you are as committed to making this life matter, then you are my hero, too.
Because, in the grand scheme of things, no one is coming to save "us". We must save "ourselves",
Heroes are made, not born.
Make yourself your own hero and save yourself and the world.
Because what we all need right now is a hero.