A step forward, a look back

Today is Tuesday, September 5th, and by the this is published, I will have already been on the other side of this mountain - my personal Everest.

You see, I am at my rock bottom. Facing my dark night of the soul. Not since my mom died have I felt so scared, so alone, so helpless.

But I'm not helpless. I am not a victim. None of this happened without my consent, without my lack of attention, without my trying to take the easy way out.

Nope, this is an emergency of my own making.

Which is wonderful news, because I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out of it.

What is this mess? It does, as you can guess, have to do with money - or extreme lack of it. But that is just a symptom. The true disease is refusal of who I am. Who I was sent here to be. What I am meant to do.

You see, I wasn't meant to live in this old house, in this small town, in this obese body, in this shattered heart, in this paralyzed mind.

What makes matters worse is I refuse to shift. I keep waiting for lightening to strike. For the big reveal; the quintessential sign from God.

And it ain't coming. That's not how it works. 

Change happens in millions of micro-decisions, in hundreds of small steps, in seconds of action (or inaction). Every minute of every day I get to choose how I want my future to look, how I want to feel, how I want to live my life.

I decide it with every action I take, every crumb of food I eat, every piece of content I consume, every image I view, every thought I believe.

So, today, the 5th of September, I decide to take back control of my life from the gremlins telling me I can't, that I'm not good enough. that I'm not worthy, that I have to wait for someone to save me.

I am my own hero. I will save myself.

Here's how I did it...

1. I focused on radical self care each day. What I eat, how I move my body, what I allow into my world, what I listen to, what I watch, how I spend my time - all support my purpose and bring me joy. Compassionate, connected, creative living that allows me to embody the real me I am meant to be.

2. I made mindset a priority. I know the journey ahead will be all in my head. The voices that creep in and say, this is too hard. The lifelong chatter that wants me to slow down, play it safe, take the easy way out, try to convince me this life isn't so bad. I replace those voices with carefully curated and powerful words that remind me that I am strong, I am worthy, I am safe, I am home, I am love, I am loved.

3. I created more, consumed less. I love to learn, to read, to watch TV (the good, the bad, and the worthless), and basically consume as much information as I possibly can. Which can be a good thing, unless I allow it to get in the way of creating content or art or anything else I am called to bring to life. I will spend time each day creating something deep from my soul. And I will create more content in my business so I may share my message with more people.

4. I set hard boundaries - with others and myself. No more text messages from clients on Saturday. No more staying up until 3 am piddling around on my computer. No more wasting time on the couch doing nothing. No more project scope creep. No more working for free. I control my time, my body, my focus, my attention, my energy. No one else.

5. I am in complete integrity - with others, with my purpose, with my money, with myself. This is a big one for me. I used to be flaky - saying one thing and doing another (or not doing things at all). I would pass by deadlines, push off tasks, ignore emails, not pay bills, never return calls. Every time I am out of integrity, it chips away at my resolve and gives the gremlins ammunition to use against me during those dark times.

6. I am seen and heard. People know my voice, know what I stand for, understand my message, feel what I am about. I am not afraid to put myself out there across a wide variety of platforms. My weight and my body do not define me or hold be back. I show up with confidence and in service to my purpose and my clients.

7. I am responsible with money. I respect money and trust that it is always there for me. I treat it with respect by not wasting it, by asking for what I desire in financial compensation, and only purchase what I need, truly desire, and use.

8. I do hard stuff. I don't shy away from challenges. I push myself physically, mentally, and emotionally. I do this with complete confidence and trust in my body and my will. I have hard conversations and make tough decisions. I take on absurd challenges just to see what I am capable of. 

9. I get back up. I fall down. I get back up again. I fail fast. I play full out. I go all in. I don't look back or second guess why I am being called to do something. I trust my intuition and my spirit guides. Implicitly, without question. And I welcome fear and anxiety as markers for how in alignment I truly am.

My journey is just beginning, but by you read this, I will already be on the mountain and still climbing.

I can't wait to show you the view.