What to say when you don't know what to say

What to say when you don't know what to say

What you have to say is what the world needs to hear - right now. Things will never get better if the ugly truth stays in the shadows. No amount of spiritual bypassing will ever make our shameful past go away. You can't "love and light" this shit out of existence nor can you LOA it out of the DNA of our sister of color.

Stop hiding and go seek

Stop hiding and go seek

My favorite childhood memory is playing around-the-neighborhood hide-and-seek. Most of the kids - maybe 10 of us - would break into teams and hide in fields, up in trees. underneath bushes. And, as you can guess, I was a master hider. Inside the safety of tall pine trees were my favorite places to spend time - day or night.

But now is the time to stop hiding, and go seek what makes me whole, what challenges my beliefs, what demands my attention so that I may change the world, and myself.

And yet...

And yet...

I am tiptoeing into this space - into a place I wouldn’t wish upon my enemy. To face off against the worst in others - the judgement, hatred, bigotry, shame, guilt, disgust they have for fat people - and stand for who I know I am - to hopefully spark a conversation around being seen for who we (all of us) are not what we (all of us) look like.

I am not ready for it.

And yet.

What if what you need to say doesn't want to be heard?

What if what you need to say doesn't want to be heard?

It is not my job to make your life comfortable.

It is so much easier to stay numb. To just get by - day to day - and only opening yourself up to what is required to survive.

To limit your emotional response to only a small fraction of what is available because we've been taught that feeling too much is a bad thing.

But what if we could feel 2% happier? 2% more compassion? 2% more empathy? 2% more hope?

No, you can't do anything you set your mind to

No, you can't do anything you set your mind to

The worst advise I think anyone can receive when sharing their demons with the world is this,

"You can do anything you set your mind to."

Respectfully, I call BULL-SHIT.

First, it's not that simple.
Second, you are making them out to be a victim.
Third, if it were true, no one would ever give up on a dream.
Fourth, it offers no level of compassion or support.
Fifth, it takes more than mindset to accomplish anything.

Let's break these down, one-by-one.

The impact of a comment from 20 years ago

The impact of a comment from 20 years ago

He told me I talked too much and that I needed to only say things once but think about what I was saying so that people actually listened the first time I said it. He said I repeated by thoughts because I wasn't confident in what I was saying and that if I would be more thoughtful and concise with my words, people would take me more seriously.

Um, ouch.

Over the years, I've thought about that comment several times, passing it off as true, sometimes, absolutely ridiculous other times.

But it wasn't until today that I realized the damage it had done.

The messyness of finding your voice

The messyness of finding your voice

You can’t expect to spend your whole life speaking from a place of fear, guilt, shame, belonging, and pride to then immediately be able to consistently and comfortably speak your truth.

It is a muscle that must be exercised.

Also because vulnerability hangover is real.

And sometimes people just don’t want to hear it.

Your truth isn’t always comfortable - for you or others.

But it must be spoken. It must be released into the world.

On finding inspiration

On finding inspiration

I look for inspiration everywhere. Somedays, I need more of a push than other days, so I take what I can get where I can get it.

There's nothing that makes me spin into despair faster than being unmotivated and uninspired (which is when the nonstop chatter of "I don't know what to do" I don't know what I want" "I am so stuck and don't have any idea what I should focus on" "I should just get a real job"... is loud and obnoxious.)

Release your inner rebel

Release your inner rebel

I’ve never been a rebel. Well, except that one year in college when I worked at the school radio station and spent weekends dressed like a confused goth/grunge rocker - Doc Martens, black eyeliner, big hair, bleached jeans, the works.

But mostly, I’ve spent my life not rocking the boat. Not drawing attention to myself. Staying in the background.